An Unexpected Upside To My Memory Loss
My mind used to feel like a movie of all my most significant memories playing constantly on loop. I carried all my fears, my desires, dreams, heartbreak, future aspirations, everything. I could see future paths for me and I was full of ideas that I believed could lead me to achieve my goals and I was almost fanatical in my intention to fulfill them. Dreams of a future. Memories of the past. All with me. All the time. Everyday the question was, “What do I need to do today to push myself forward?”. This type of motivation throughout my life led me to fulfill dreams like recording music and performing, shooting music videos and cameos and it led me towards becoming an involved parent and community member. I felt happy and accomplished, full of possibilities.
Then the crash happened. To say it shook me to my core is not just a metaphor, it is a fact.
In a split second my entire being entered a state of shock, survival and surprisingly, presence. There I was, on the sidewalk, sitting on a rock with my toddler on my lap checking him for injuries and comforting him all while trying to process what was happening. I could feel myself wrapped up in a calming adrenaline while my partner dealt with the technical side of the accident. Heated exchange of words with the drivers at fault and their dehumanizing treatment of my family and I were noted but they took a backseat in my list of priorities. I told the b—- to back up and give me space and after exchanging information finally went home.
Once at home after the smoke settled my body began to hurt. The pain was so great all I could think about was how to get through it while tending to my toddler who was 2 at the time and needed me for everything. I realized that my thoughts were not empty, but still. I felt disoriented but my children and family were my compass to focus on the things that were pressing and really mattered. My mind wasn’t racing with all the thoughts it usually does. I understood what was happening and sought out support, but to stay on topic, I realized this lethargy brought with it an unexpected kind of silence that I didn’t know I needed. After beginning the process of obtaining medical and legal support I knew there was an aspect to my healing path that was in my hands only. The one of my inner world.
I allowed myself to feel everything. The pain in my bones and muscles. The headaches. The slow pace of my mind. Even the need my family had for me, I set an intention to feel it all to its maximum. I felt something inside telling me to listen closely. And I realized that while I had benefitted from chasing future dreams, there were issues I had not addressed in the name of the future. I had to take a look at what my body was telling me in order to communicate my pain and get the proper support. I realized there was no need to lose my patience tending to the tedious every day chores because it’s actually a gift to be able to fulfill them. To sweep and mop without pain. To bend your back to pick up your crying toddler without fear of your back taking a vacation in the middle of it. To make space to listen to your loved ones and learn how to better support them. It is all a gift. I felt favored by Creation.
I understood that this was a time in my life to focus on my present health and that of my family. That while origin stories and dreams are important, the present is what’s pressing.
- What does my routine look like?
- How do I respond to stress with myself and others?
- Am I taking care of myself? Am I drinking enough water?
- Am I addressing what’s important?”
Questions like these are what I chose to focus on. Little by little guiding me back to myself. I learned to not yearn for the sharpness of my old mind and what “I used to be” but to be more satisfied with what I can accomplish today. To enjoy each ray of sun that landed on my skin, to rejoice in the fact that I am still alive enough to feel the pain and show you where it hurts and how I’m healing. I feel my recovery progressing but I don’t know if I will ever be the same again. I have a feeling that by nurturing my mind I can become even better than before over time. Time will tell but I’m no longer in a rush. By tending to me, listening to my body, loving on my family, I know I will still accomplish my dreams. Maybe in a different timeline than what I expected, but they will come true. With time, patience, presence and peace.
