CONFESSIONS – “Care for Care”

I made an agreement with myself to never invest too much time in situations that didn’t respect my value. 

I have an almost irrational fear of my loved ones dying without them knowing how much I love and care for them.

I once lost someone I loved unexpectedly. He was a great friend, he believed in me. He invested in me and was pure. As life would have it, we had different responsibilities which “didn’t allow” for more time. Time marched on and being so inexperienced I became overwhelmed and internalized. We reconnected after a while and had plans to work on music together. We had both been through health issues and depression but were coming out of it. On a day we were supposed to connect online and out of nowhere a man I was dating called me and broke up with me and accused me of a bunch of bullshyt. He blind sided me and put me in a position of unexpected heartbreak. So I frantically tried to work things out. We stayed together for the moment but I forgot about my link with my homie and while I was wondering why my man would break up with me out of nowhere AGAIN, my friend past away a couple days later. He waited for me and I didn’t come. He believed in me and I wasn’t there for him because I was too consumed with 3rd party and worldly bullshyt. In a nutshell tbh.

I still don’t really forgive myself.

The way my heart broke, I made an agreement with myself to never invest too much time in situations that didn’t respect my value. 

I used to live trying to show up for so many people. I’ve overvalued some in the past, learning tough lessons.

Little by little I learned to save a little more of myself each day. For me. 

For My Self. ONLY.

I learned that the voice inside of me is the most important and that my heart has to be fueled like a well-oiled machine. 

Otherwise I become a ghost in the flesh. 

I need to be my most loyal companion. 

Life has a way of consuming us when we are realizing our dreams and visions.

Sometimes our heart has to break. We have to take a moment or 2, or 3 or 50 to mourn all the things that didn’t work out. 

To cry over all those illusions that broke. All those dreams that seemed so real you could almost smell them. All those pacts that seemed so certain that soon enough dissolved leaving us in disbelief.

This mourning is needed from time to time; I’m learning this comes through many different phases of our lives. 

I’ve learned it’s better for me if I accept them and surrender myself.

The more we live, the more examples we will have of times we’ve had to let go. 

Such sorrows. 

Sometimes our weeping eyes won’t let us see that while there are those who broke us, there are those who have never folded.

There are those who share their bounty and their heart. 

Some are relentless in their giving in spite of their detriment. 

These are their ways. 

I don’t want to repeat the cycle of neglecting those who have loved me and have taken the time to look me in the eye and built confidence within me.

I don’t want to overlook those who had faith in me and shared some knowledge and resources in order to elevate me.

I want to spend whatever time I have left creating works of worth and showing my people how special they are to me.

I want to make them smile and learn new things with them.

Create masterful works of art be it music or a homemade pastry.

I want to live without fear yet with caution and honor.

With a heart safe yet open.